A path to redemption
by Alexia C
Summary: This story takes place after the fire in Thornfield, how Mr. Rochester lived those days missing Jane, and Edward's journey to understand and accept the reasons why she left him. Completely on Edward's point of view, since this part is missing from the book and all we know is Jane's reality while this happened.
1. Chapter 1 - Trapped

1-

My head was spinning and every fibber of my body hurt. I could barely move, I tried sliding one leg to one side and felt a sharp pain in my hip. At least it moved. I kept testing the rest of my limbs, until I tried to move the fingers of my left hand. Nothing. I didn't feel my hand at all. I moved my arm to touch my face with my left arm and felt like an elbow instead of my palm. I opened my eyes immediately, and couldn't see a thing. I lifted my other arm to touch my face, and felt it with bandages. Then, I tried to bring my hands together, but my right hand found only a stump. I gasped in horror. My hand was missing, I had no hand at all!

I began panting, and with my hand I began tracing the features of my face, and found half of it was covered in bandages. I quickly removed them, and touched my left eye. I felt a tender flesh healing under the bandages, a burning pain crossing from my forehead to my cheekbone, and my eyelid shut. I touched my eyelid and screamed, not only because it was the worst pain I've felt, but because I didn't feel my eyeball in there.

I was blind and missing a hand. My hand was shaking now and kept touching the rest of my body to see if everything was still there. My neck was also covered in bandages, as was my chest. Every part that my hand touched hurt, but it was nothing compared to the panic I felt when I realized I was in such a state.

-"Mr. Rochester!" I heard a very familiar voice call my name in an alarmed tone. A voice I knew too well, it was Mrs. Fairfax. "Are you well Sir? "

-"I'm blind and missing a hand Mrs Fairfax, how could I possibly be "well"? I replied in a tone that frightened even myself.

Mrs Fairfax sobbed. I gasped.

-Mr. Rochester, I see you are awake – said another voice, a man's voice, I wasn't quite sure to whom it belonged.

-Who is that? I asked

-It's Dr. Carter Mr Rochester – replied MrsFairfax – he's been attending your wounds all these time.

-What happened? - I asked, confused on what led me to this pitiful state.

-I'm sorry Mr. Rochester, but it had to be done. – replied Carter, trying to sound as soothing as possible.

-Mrs Fairfax, tell me what the devil happened – I commanded

-Well… when you were climbing down the stairs after… trying to… save her… - she choked –

-Yes? Was my irritated answer

-The, the stairs…. The fire had consumed the planks, and it gave in, you fell sir. And the burning splinters and ashes got into your eyes… unfortunately, a bean also collapsed and it knocked you unconscious. We believe it was the bean that hit your head and… damaged your left eye. It fell on the left part of your body, but it was your left hand, Sir, that….

-It got crushed under the beam….- I replied, realizing what happened.

-Yes sir… When the fire stopped, we all began to search for you in the debris. It was Pilot who found you, he began barking like a maniac when he found you under that rubble. John carried you, and Dr. Carter tended your wounds. – said Mrs Fairfax, I could hear her voice overcoming with emotion.

-If you would have been a few more hours under that weight, I believe you wouldn't have survived sir. – said , while he touched my arm.

I shook it and took it away from him. I could feel a warm tear sliding down my cheek. - "I wish you hadn't found me at all" - I whispered.

-But, sir…- protested Mrs. Fairfax.

The old lady kept talking about how grateful they were to see me alive, how brave I was that night, and Carter explained to me how this wounds, as bad as they seem, are nothing compared to what could have happened if they would have found me only one hour after they did. But my mind was having its own conflict. What good am I now? How is life worth living? Life was a painful burden with Jane gone, but now, in this state, it is impossible for me to keep searching for her, and even if I'd found her, how could she love me now? A helpless ruin…

-Get out! Both of you! NOW!- I yelled in an outburst of rage and desperation.

I heard a gasp, and I heard voices from Mrs. Fairfax and Carter. - "Rest now Mr. Rochester, I'll come see you in the morning".- I heard Mrs. Fairfax blowing some candles, and the blurry light I could see was gone. Complete darkness embraced me.

As I heard the door close, I couldn't help but to start crying and sobbing like an infant. I felt powerless, forsaken, punished and I began having blasphemous thoughts to the Almighty, who not only decided to take Jane away from me, but also for transforming me from a man to a crippled.

I kept tracing my body with my hands, and I felt a shriek being torn from the top of my lungs and throat until it escaped from my mouth. It wasn't so much from the physical pain I was feeling, but from the realization that now, I would never, ever see Jane again. Literally.

.-.-.

Days passed, and I began getting sick of every servant taking pity of me. I've always been a proud man, who has done whatever pleased me, whenever and wherever I wanted. Now, I had to take the arm of a servant to do my most basic human needs. I felt humiliated.

I asked Mrs. Fairfax to my parlour.

-Yes Mr. Rochester? – she came rushing.

-Mrs Fairfax… I need two three from you.-

-Certainly Sir!. -

I smiled. Poor old lady, I could feel her pity, but also her eagerness to please me. She always craved for praise and attention.

-Madame, I need you to call Mr. Briggs tomorrow. I need to settle accounts with him and let him in full charge of all my state. I can't handle anything now, let alone something as important as that.- the defeat in my voice was evident.

-Yes sir, right away. What else do you need?-

-I recall you telling me you had a living sister near York? Is that correct?- I frowned, sometimes when she spoke, I didn't really pay attention so this may be complete false.

-Yes Sir, what about it?- she replied, puzzled.

-I also recall telling me she insists on you giving up this job and go live with her…-

-Oh no no Mr Rochester – she interrupted me – how could you possibly think I could leave you? No sir, have no fear, I won't leave your side. – she said in a triumphant air that was almost as if she liked being under my service.

I smiled again. She was loyal and cared for me, I know she would have stayed with me until the end without asking for it. And that is exactly why, in compensation for all her hard work, I had to free her.

-Mrs Fairfax, I need you to go live with her.-

-What? - She asked confused.

-I can't have you devote the rest of your life to me. It's not fair to you. You have served this family for decades, and it's time for you rest and take care of yourself and your family. I shall ask Briggs to provide for you a pension for the rest of your life, you won't have to work another day of your life.

-Oh Mrs Rochester no! I want to stay here! I want to serve you! – she objected.

-Mrs Fairfax, you'll serve me if you go away. Please. I'm tired of servants whispering behind my back about my current state. I will retire to live in Ferndean, it's decided. I will leave next week. I can't take you with me to that accursed place, the dampness and loneliness would soon take a toll on your health. No. I'm doing this for both of us. I don't want more servants than John and Mary, and that is only because I need them and they are quiet and go around their business. You, I won't be needing you there, and you certainly don't need or deserve to remain next to a pathetic "master". Go live the rest of you live in peace, I wish you all the best Mrs. Fairfax. – I sincerely stated, I had only gratitude for her, but at the same time, I wanted her gone as soon as possible.

I could hear the old lady sobbing, I felt bad but to be honest, I was tired of this and my patience was running low. Still, I did my best not to act like a beast and tell her to leave now.

-Mr Rochester… thank you sir. If you change your mind, I will be here. – her voice was broken.

-Thank you Mrs. Fairfax.-

-Mr Rochester….- she asked timidly.

-What?!- I replied annoyed, I wanted this damn conversation to be over.

-You said three favours… what is the third favour? - She asked, composing herself.

I smiled. I forgot about it.

-Mrs Fairfax… promise me… promise me, if you ever see Jane again… just tell her how very much I love her, and will love her until the end of my days. If you see her again, please… don't tell her how I am… only if she asks for me, but don't rush her to see me out of pity. Promise me. – I laid this request with all my heart.

Her sobs became louder, it was starting to anger me.

-I promise you sir.-

With this, I heard her leave the room.

I wondered what would happen if Jane saw me like this. Would she be repulsed? Disgusted? Frightened? I hadn't seen myself of course, but I could tell that I was now a revolting sight. The bandages were gone, and now my face was covered in a grand scab running from the middle of my forehead down to my left cheek. My eyelid was closed, and of course, I had no hand. Not to mention I forgot when was the last time I cut my hair and shaved.

I chuckled. - "Well Rochester, you were never a handsome man. But at least you were full. Now you are uglier than ever and incomplete. I'd love to see if Blanche Ingram would still fancy me even if she'd heard the tale about losing my fortune was a lie. – I said to myself, talking to myself had been a routine of mine for quite some time now.

I smiled. Of course not. Not even all the money in the world could make her overlook my ugliness now. My helplessness.

But Jane… I know Jane wouldn't act like that. She told me, she never found me attractive. She never cared about my money. She cared about my soul. My soul is still there, isn't it?

I clenched my fist and again I felt a flash of anger shake me from my core. Again, anger directed to God.

Why? Why have you done this to me? Snatch her from me, and when my one burden called Bertha, decided to take her own life, and finally get rid of her and the impediment of marrying Jane, you decided to take my sight, my hand, my independence? You took away that heavy and horrible ballast but in exchange, turned me into a useless sack of bones? Why do you hate me so much God? Why? Why didn't you just killed me then and there? At least dead, I could have the hope to see Jane again in Judgment Day, even if it was just a glimpse of her soul going to heaven while I would go the other direction. Now, I must live for how long, before I could die, find peace and hopefully meet again with her in the next life?

My fist fell heavy and violently on top of the table that was next to me, breaking the glass of water that was near it, and hurting my one good hand with all the small crystals that got into my flesh. I felt blood running down my hand and arm. I had cut myself, but I was too blind and useless to tie something around it and stop the haemorrhage.

-WHAT HAPPENED? - Came Mrs. Fairfax running, her voice in shock.

-Just tie a clean cloth around my hand will you?- I answered very rudely.

Mrs Fairfax did what was requested, and let me be. I closed my eyes, and tried to imagine Jane sitting next to me. I instinctively smiled. Just remembering her, sitting there, quiet, in her chair, afraid to make a sudden move, make an unpleasant remark, or even taking too much room, made me remember how I had fallen for her, and how much I needed her.

I imagined her looking up to me, her eyes timid, a sly smirk forming in her lips, then back to her book and read. Those days were gone. Where is she? How is she? Is she even alive? Is she well? Has she found refuge? Comfort? Love..? Has she made new ties? Does she remember me? All these questions burned in my brain, day and night, not knowing anything about her was worse than the pain in my empty eye socket and my crippled arm.

-Forget her Rochester… let her go….


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2- dreams

I woke up gasping, sweat covered all my body and my head was soaked in it, I sat down violently like a spring, and the lack of air was suffocating me. I panted, and I touched my face and hand. Eye and hand still missing. It wasn't a nightmare. It really did happen.

I, however, felt weight in one side of the bed, somebody was sitting there.

-Shhhhhh…. Someone whispered.

-Who is it?! My voice was somewhere between rage and fear.

A candle lit in my room and I saw her. I saw the most perfect vision I could have hoped for.

-Hush Edward… go back to sleep, I'm here….

-JANE, JANE?!- I shouted, my whole body launching itself against her.

-Shhhhh…. Calm now… - she put a finger in my lips

I was too agitated, I couldn't understand anything.

-How, How?- I cried out

-It doesn't matter how, I'm here now. – a candlelight showed me her face, she was looking at me with her eyes filled with tenderness, and showed me the sweetest smile I've ever seen.

Every time I tried to touch her, she kept me apart. I was so ecstatic, confused, overwhelmed.

-Why did you leave me? -I said, a lump forming in my throat.

-I had to .

-Why?

-To save you. – her little fingers touched a thread of hair that was covering my face, she put it behind my hear.

-You thought you'd save me by leaving me? All the contrary my elf, you condemned me to hell. Living without you is hell Jane.

-I saved your soul. – her voice was soft but firm.

-Damn my soul! I'd happily sell it to the devil himself if he'd let me be with you forever. – my voice was rising.

An eerie silence enveloped the room.

-Jane?

-Yes?

-Save me… how?

-You are a good man Mr. Rochester, even if you try to convince yourself otherwise. You had done bad deeds, as has every and any other man walking on this earth, but you are a good man. You almost condemned your soul, and mine, by marrying me while you were still married to another woman. The biggest sin wasn't bigamy, it was deception, dishonour and robbery. – her voice was calmed.

-I understand deception, I never meant to deceive you Jane, know that. But tell me, what would you have done if I had told you the truth from the beginning? Would you have fallen in love with me as you said you did? Would we have had those days full of bliss where our love was professed to one another? No, I don't believe you would have… You would have left me, as you did when you found out.

More silence.

-Why dishonour? Why robbery?- I was puzzled, and hurt. I never meant to harm my Jane.

-Dishonour because you would have destroyed your name, and mine. You as a bigamist, and me as the mistress of a wicked man. People wouldn't have cared whether I knew or not about your wife, all they would have cared is that I married a man while he was still married to another woman. I would have been thrown out of society to become an outcast. And, if we would have had children, they would be fruit of a fraudulent union, would be scorned and destitute, as I would be.

-Never Jane…. You would have NEVER been humiliated. I would have killed anybody who would have done that. And our children… they would have had the world at their feet. – again I felt a rush of tears accumulating in my eyes, and my voice breaking, but I tried my best to keep calmed.

-See? More sins… now we could add "murder" to the list. – she added, with a sarcastic smile.

I sighed.

-What about robbery Jane? What do you mean with that?

-You would have robbed my soul, Mr. Rochester.

Robbed your soul? Are you mad? – I frowned, that statement made absolute no sense to me.

-No, thankfully I was not, and am not. The fact of me fleeing from you attest to that.

By making me your mistress, by me giving into your pleas, I would have lost my soul, to you. You would have taken my pride, my honour, everything because of your own selfish reasons. I didn't have an impediment, and my love was pure and true. You wanted me to become your wife, and in the process, ruin us both in front of men, but worse yet, in front of God. You would have taken my spirit from me, with lies and manipulation. Those schemes are not done in the name of love, but in the name of lust and pride.

-Are you saying I don't love you Jane?

-No, I know you love me.

-Then why are you judging me thus? You have already condemned my soul to eternal fire when my only sin was loving you.

-Don't you see it Edward? This is all the contrary. I saved you. You and me.

-I still don't understand… you say you saved me, and yet I feel more doomed and abandoned than ever In my life.

I began feeling weak, all the agitation had drained me, I felt tired.

-Shhhh… you'll understand Edward. Someday, you will.

-Don't go….- I whispered.

-Shhhh….. her hands touched my head, and lulled me to sleep.

-I love you – I said, barely moving my lips.

-I love you – she replied, and then complete darkness again.

The next morning, when I woke up, I opened my eyes and hoped to see her sitting next to me. Of course not. It was a dream. I couldn't see anything in bright daylight, only some sort of gleam, worse yet at night…. But Jane, my Jane, her spirit had come visit me! I hadn't imagined, or dreamed the whole thing, I felt her, I smelled her, I touched her….

Again a growl followed by a shout escaped my mouth, then I collapsed into the bed and began crying, the force of my grief was shaking my entire frame. I was hopeless…


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 - Desperation**

It had happened at least 3 months since my tragedy, and not a single day passed when my heart didn't stop when I heard the sound of hoofs under the gravel, or a carriage stopping by the entrance of Ferndean. Every time, I fancied it would be Jane, or at least news from her.

I had requested Briggs to keep enquiring about her, broadening the rank of search for many more miles, hoping that someday, she would come back to me, or at least news of her wellbeing.

I spent my mornings sitting in the porch of Ferndean, when the weather permitted it. Some days, it was so cold and damp that my bones hurt, especially my arm and its missing hand.

I never heard of her again. Nothing. I dreamed of her occasionally, most of the dreams were sweet and wonderful, only one or two nightmare where I saw Jane laying dead in the floor in some moor, forgotten and ignored. Another time, I dreamed she saw me, and ignored me. I kept running to her, and she kept walking. Turned around, saw me with my new terrible defects, would grimace and walk away, never turning back. Both times I had woken up with my heart beating wild and my limbs stiffened. I could not think of anything worse than her pain or her indifference towards me.

But most of the dreams I had, were comforting. Even if the pain of solitude would be sharper and colder in my awakening, the moments of joy I had when I slept and dreamed of her were indescribable.

But as the time kept passing, the hopes of finding her were diminishing.

\- _What if she doesn't want to be found Fairfax? What if she left the country? Changed her name? – I asked myself out loud._

She speaks perfect French, what stops her from forming a new live in Paris, Marseille or wherever the bloody hell she wanted? What if she is introducing herself to everybody not as Jane Eyre, but as any other name? How could I find her like that?

I sighed. Pilot lifted my good arm with his head, asking to be patted.

I smiled. My old companion. If I wasn't so damn useless, he'd all the company I'd require until Jane returns, not taken care of like a child by servants.

I patted his head and sighed again. Loneliness was more damaging, more crippling than the fire that had taken my sight and hand.

That night I went to sleep with only wine and a slice of bread in my stomach. I was never hungry anymore, hunger was permanently replaced my bitterness and sadness.

\- Edward… Edward… - a soft voice broke the silence of the room.

\- Jane? Jane? – I woke up instantly.

\- It's me… I've come visit you my love…

\- Oh Jane… I… I…. – I couldn't form coherent thoughts, worse yet to pronounce them.

\- Shhh… all is well now… - Jane was wearing her governess grey dress and her hair pulled back, as she always did.

\- No.. no it's not. I know you are not real. I know you are not really here. It is the result of my frantic, desperate imagination, or perhaps your kind soul has taken pity and come visit mine… But nonetheless, you're not here. And when I wake up, I'll find myself alone, as always. – a single tear ran down my cheek.

\- Edward… we will be together again, have faith. – she grabbed my hand between her fingers, her hand was warm, her hand so soft…

\- How? Tell me? Tell me what to do? I'll do anything, anything to see you again. – I blinked desperately.

\- Just have faith, and live a pious life. – her answer was unnerving.

\- Faith you say? How can I have faith? I have tried to find you for almost a year and I know nothing of you. Perhaps you are dead, and this is your spirit visiting me, tempting me to join you in the afterlife. Tell me Jane, is that so?

Complete silence.

-Jane, if you ask me, I'll take my own life right now, if that means that I'll see you again.

-No Edward, I would never ask you to commit a crime against yourself and against our Father.

-I don't care! Don't you understand? I don't give a damn about life if it's not with you! I hate my life! I hate BEING alive! I can't stand this loneliness, this helplessness, this pathetic shell my body has become, I can't stand not knowing about you!

-Edward…

-No Jane, perhaps that is what needs to be done. If I slit my wrists right now, I'll be gone in the morning. Nobody will miss me, nobody… I will free John and Mary to serve me, they will have a pension, I made sure of it. My lands, I left a will in your name, if you are alive, they will find you and give you everything I own. And I won't feel this awful pain in my arm and head, but better yet, I won't feel my heart bleeding all day with the wound that your absence has left me with. Perhaps, my soul is trapped in this deplorable body, and is yearning to be free, to find you.

I left my mind run wild with thoughts about my demise, about how wonderful it would be to be free again, to not be confided in this damn house, inside this aching body.

-If you do that, you will sentence your fate away from mine, forever.

I became mute.

-Why Jane? Why must I keep living? What good am I to humanity, how is my life valuable to anybody? Not even to myself… All I want is some peace… and I will never have it as long as I'm not with you.

-Edward… we will reunite again.

-When Jane, tell me, when? Tell me what you want me to do.

-I want you to have faith Edward.

-I can't! You are asking me to do the impossible! I'm lost! My soul is lost!

-Your soul is not lost, if you find the strength and courage to fight for it. God is kind, good and forgiving Edward. If you return to him, he will grant you the peace you seek.

-He won't grant me anything but despair and punishment. God has done this to me, he has forsaken me.

-He hasn't… he loves you.

-I love you Jane… - I began crying, I was desperately trying to cling to something that would make sense to this accursed life I was living, and the thought of ending it was more and more tempting…

-Edward… remember… we will reunite, but not the way you are thinking. We never will if you give into those dark thoughts you are having. Have faith, my love.

I woke up, again, crying like a madman. My pulse trembled, and opened the drawer of my night table. I touched its interior and I could feel papers, a pocket watch (what the hell for?), and I found what I was looking for. My shaving blade.

I opened it, and felt the sharp blade. I could do this. Even with one hand, all I had to do was to slice open my forearm, and let it bleed. Soon, darkness would take over, and take me away, to eternal rest, and peace. Soon, all my suffering, angst and desperation would vanish, and I would be free again.

Tears ran down my eyes, my throat hurt of the tears I kept choking, I closed my eyes, sighed and lifted my hand to do the grim task.

I heard a growl, and desperate barks. Pilot.

Pilot began barking like a lunatic, growling, howling and I felt him climb into my bed.

As if that had woken me from a real nightmare, I dropped the knife and began crying, my hand was holding my head. Pilot leaned on my legs and began whimpering, licking my hand and face, trying to cheer me up.

Thank you my dear friend…. Thank you. I kissed his forehead, wiped the tears in my eyes, laid down again and between sobs and sighs, I went back to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

More weeks had passed, and I never dreamed of Jane again. Not good dreams, not nightmares, nothing. She had vanished from my dreams just as she had vanished from my life.

I was in my room, sitting in my armchair, my head was back, my shoulders relaxed, defeated even. My eyes were open, but all I could see was a faint cloud of light, mostly darkness. I wanted to have a cigar to calm myself, but I couldn't even perform that mundane task on my own, I would have to call John to light it for me. And if I dropped it, I could burn Ferndean to the ground just like Bertha had burned Thornfield.

I sighed, and my mind inevitably began thinking of Jane.

I had thought about Jane's words in my last dream. _"Have faith"._ I was now understanding that. Faith. Isn't faith the propellant in humanity? The hope to have a better future, see better days, that everything will be fine? _"Come back to God"._ Did that mean I had to go to Church? Coming back means to return to a place where you've been before, and I had never been a religious kind of person. And I completely abandoned religion or the notion of an Almighty when I married to Bertha and had no sign of warning from Him.

I never cared for the opinion of other people, but the more I thought about it, the more I understood why Jane left me.

At first, my pride was blinding me, I couldn't comprehend how she would throw herself out in the cold world without a shilling in her pocket, not when I offered her my name, my possessions and my heart? I thought she rejected me because of my impediment, and that made me hate Bertha more than I already did. One night, I remember I was entertaining the idea to go up to the attic and choke the life out of her. That way, I would be free to marry Jane under her eyes.

But I am not a murderer, I may be a great many things, but a killer is not one of them. I would have to wait until nature would take her, not before. And for all I knew, I could die before her.

Now however, I understood she left me not only for herself, but also for me. She loved me too well and too purely that she decided to go to an uncertain fate instead of ruining us both. One of us had to have the strength to do it, and I didn't, I would have made her my mistress without a doubt, not that I ever intended to of course. In my perspective, I was marrying her under all the laws of God and men, Jane was going to be my wife with all the duties and rights it meant. I wasn't married I convinced myself, I had the right to form a tie with whoever I wanted, away from that fraudulent trap I walked into.

But thinking that was selfish, just as she said in that dream. I was a selfish man. I was condemning Jane, my most precious love, to be a mistress and not turning her into my wife, for it was impossible to do it. And yes, if the truth would have come out after the fake wedding, I would have gone to jail, lost everything, and she would have been destitute, along with our children. For my recklessness and selfishness, I would have condemned her and our offspring to be outcasts, to be looked down, even despised by society. That is a crime worse than bigamy itself, to harm Jane was something I would never forgive myself.

So, even with all this torment, she did the right thing. I see that now. I understand. I understand that God saved her from walking into this monstrosity, and in the process, saved me also, or at least my soul, if it wasn't already condemned for all the sinful life I had led.

I sat straight, bowed my head, put my hands in my face and began whispering:

\- _Dear God, it doesn't matter what happens to me, do with me what you may, but please, I beg you, guard Jane, even if I never see her again, please, give her the happiness she deserves, the one I wanted to give her but couldn't, please…_

I said a short prayer, the first one I had in over 30 years. Last time I prayed was when I was a child, I grew spoiled and conceited, and walked away from the path of God thinking I didn't need anything but my name and wits. More so, when I married Bertha, I decided God had no place in my life.

But now… Now I needed Him. Not for me or my wellbeing, but for Jane's. I no longer cared what would happen to me. All I wanted was her to be safe and happy, to live a life full of joy and peace. I knew that was forbidden for me now, we were worlds apparts and for all I knew she was already married to another man, a good man who deserved her. And I was burined in a damp forest, blind and crippled, unable to perform simple tasks without the help of hirelings, but it didn't matter anymore, I just prayed for her to be happy.

And so, days kept passing by, life kept passing by. And there wasn't a single day where I didn't think I deserve my disgrace for trying to seduce Jane into a deception, I knew I was being punished. How much more punishment I could take? That question was burning me inside.

One night, not different than any other, dreadful night, the fire was lit, the window was opened and I was sitting in my armchair contemplating the blurry haze that the fire presented in my damaged eye. I always enjoyed watching the fire, and now even that petty pleasure was taken away from me, but at least I could see a bright cloud dancing, a comfort from so much grey and darkness.

I wondered how much more I could live… How many more years I could endure this? Will madness come before the end of my days? Will I die an old man, in my bed, twenty, thirty years from now? Will I die tomorrow, stepping into a pebble, falling down and cracking my skull? Life had become a drag instead of a joy, it was a morose task I had to undertake day after day, without expecting absolutely nothing, feeling lonely and self-pity. Days passed, nights passed, days and nights mingling in my mind, the only way to discern them was when Mary would bring me breakfast, lunch, supper… or when John would come and shave me in the mornings and help me take a bath.

The pain of my wounds was almost over, I only felt pain in my stump on very cold days, and my eyelid was completely healed. The tender flesh that covered my visage, neck and chest was now a thick scar where the skin felt more tender, I traced it with my fingers often, a new habit I had made.

My thoughts had taken me back to Jane. Where has she been? With whom? What has she been doing? Did she find a position as governess somewhere else? Is she treated kindly, gently? Did she find the happiness I prayed every day for her to obtain? Will I ever see her again? Is she alive at all?

A glass of wine was left every night for me to take, only a glass, not the bottle. I had asked John to never leave the bottle, for I feared I would let myself go into alcohol and lose myself forever.

I drank my cup, wiped my hand with my mouth, stood up and with small steps, like a child learning to walk, I went to the window, the air inside the room seemed like it was diminishing and I felt myself suffocated.

The fresh, cold air was welcoming, it relaxed me. I inhaled deeply, and let go. Only darkness outside, the sound of an owl and the branches shaking with the soft breeze broke the silence of the forest.

I wanted to see Jane, I really didn't think I could take much more without her.

All my life, as privileged in the status and economic sense as it has been, I've never been happy. My mother passed away when I was very young, I barely remember her. My father was always severe, always stern, always proud and incredibly greedy. My brother was a deserving son of our father, for he displayed the same treats as his progenitor.

School passed by with the liveliness of youth, careless, but I always yearned for the love I had been denied. I wanted a woman I could love, but most of all, who could love me back, not for my rank, not for my money, but for who I was, for Edward, not for Rochester.

When I left to Jamaica, my stupidity and eagerness made me commit the most horrendous mistake I had thought of, marrying and bounding myself to life to a woman who was the complete opposite of what I always hoped for. Unchaste, unclean, unworthy, and mentally ill… I desperately tried to see in her what I thought she was when I met her, but then I understood this was all a trick my family and hers had played to retain the fortune in the family, at the expense of my honour and happiness.

Then, losing myself in a wave of recklessness, searching for love, but finding only disappointment. Then stopping to believe in love altogether, and simply searching to appease my lust and my need for company. One woman after another, city after city, taking whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and convince myself that was the kind of life I wanted, although deep inside I knew it wasn't, and hated myself for it.

Then, out of nowhere, this angel, this magical being, this elf, shows in my lands, bewitches y horse and turns my world upside down, and becomes everything I had hoped for, and even more. Not in the way I always thought it would be, not the beautiful, voluptuous woman with a great name and possessions, but in the way of a tiny, insignificant young governess, a servant. How? How did I fall for her? So different from all the women I had been with… Small, plain, pale… But her mind… oh her mind! I had never met a more lucid, more powerful, more fascinating mind like hers. She transfixed me… even with all her prudish upbringing, she always had an answer that would completely throw me off from conventionalities.

And her soul… her soul was made of pure fire, she was fierce, she was intense, she was ardent… I pride myself to know I was the only person on this Earth who knew her the way she really was, not the quiet, shy governess. Soon I realized that I couldn't stop thinking about her, and at first I didn't understand what that meant, for I had never felt love before. I was in denial, I refused to think I had feelings for her, my pride once again taking control. But then, I understood resistance was futile, I was madly, deeply in love with her, that every waking moment was spent thinking about her, and wondering if she had any feelings for me. Once I realized I loved her, I began seeing her physical beauty, to me, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Her thin frame, pale skin, green eyes, small hands, thin waste, and her smile... that spark in her eyes she seemed to have only for me... I had seen what I was sure nobody else had, her first rate mind, her ardent soul, her pure heart, but it was all locked under years of repression. I wanted to be the one who would set her free, let her fly…. under my protection, under my care, she would shine and be what she was always meant to be but couldn't for her unfortunate station and origin.

I had to create a ridiculous stratagem to make her confess whatever feeling she had for me by using another woman as a mean to make her jealous. I understand also that using another human being is wrong for whatever purpose, people are not things to be used and then discarded, even if it's a cruel, spiteful and empty-headed woman who was desperate to get my money like Blanch Ingram. But Jane never confessed, anything. I had to push her to the very edge of her control by lying about our imminent separation, about a new position in Ireland, when she finally broke the barrier of her self-control and claimed what was hers: my heart.

And what was marvellous about all this, she didn't care for my money. She never did. She saw the real me. She saw me. She didn't see the ill tempered, moody master of Thornfield Hall, rich and powerful, with hundred of miles in his possession and dozens of servants under his command. He saw Edward, the man who was so desperate to taste a bit of love with a woman who could help him be the man he knew he was inside. I will always thank her for that, for bringing me to life. I realized before her, I was dead, I was living a fallacy. I was living what society expected me to live, from party to party, ballroom to ballroom, bed to bed… All I wanted was a good woman who would let me be who I really was, and that was Jane.

I realized that, while I felt half a man now, I was still a man, and I still longed for her. I remembered the day of the fire, Jane standing in my room with only her nightgown, her hair down from the normal knot… and as we touched, as I took her hand, I felt her heart jumping inside her chest, I noticed her blushed cheeks, her dilated pupils, her elaborate breathing, her trembling pulse, her lips half opened… I realized she wasn't feeling distressed, but aroused, and that she must have been feeling it for the first time in her life. It was there where I had a glimpse of the blazing fire her soul had, and how it was yearning to be released. Oh how many days, and especially nights I had dreamed to make her mine… I somehow knew that Jane would give herself completely to the man she loved, that she wouldn't hold back anything, and all the fantasies I had with her, making love to her, still intoxicated my senses, but they seemed now like a very distant and platonic fantasy. Now… I'm not the man I was then, I am a burden, a blind fool who is no good to anyone, who could never take care of a woman, of Jane, the way it's meant to be. Even if she would come back, she would be shocked to find me in this state. She would stay with me I'm sure, she's a noble creature, but I would hate to think it'd be out of pity and not out of love, not out of passion. Staying with me out of pity would wither her like a flower, and I would never allow that to happen. I rather die than to have Jane stay with me with anything other than love and passion. I know I'm not much of a man anymore, but there's enough man in me to want her as a woman, as a wife, as a lover, and not as a servant, or even a friend.

I rubbed my good hand in my face, shook my head and breathed the fresh air of the night deeply, I needed to stop that train of thoughts that was causing me emotional pain.

My thoughts resumed, and somewhat thinking more rationally, I kept wandering the same question I had ever since I discovered she left me. Where is she? Where did she go? What happened to her? She may be dead now… how could she have survived? She left Thornfield with nothing, no money, nothing… how far could she have gone without anything to sustain her? She had no family, except those terrible cousins that really don't count. She had nowhere to go. I've scouted heaven and hell for her, but I had absolutely no news, no clues, nothing of her whereabouts. If she is alive, I know society isn't kind to strangers, especially if they are poor... what if somebody took her captive? If she's held somewhere as some kind of slave against her will? What if, in this sick, twisted world, somebody is forcing her to do something she doesn't want? Like… No, No!

\- _Oh God, forgive me…. Forgive me Jane,…_

And before I knew what I was doing, I began shouting at the top of my lungs, half my body outside the window.

 _-JANE, JANE, JANE!_

Pilot got up and sprinted to my side, his tail started to touch my leg. He was whining.

A knock on my door.

 _\- Mr. Rochester sir, is everything allright?_ – it was John, he heard me shouting.

I didn't really realize I had shouted so loud, I must have startled John and his wife. Fortunately, no neighbors to apologize to for waking them up with the middle of the night with insane shouts.

\- _Yes John, sorry for waking you up. Everything is fine_ – was my reply. It was embarrassing, they heard me and probably think I finally went insane.

\- _All right sir, if you need anything please let me know._ – John said as I heard footsteps walking away from my door.

I inhaled deeply, the air had somewhat become more refreshing. Then, I heard it…

\- _I am coming… wait for me…._

I was paralized, that voice…

\- _"_ _Where are you?"…_

That was Jane's voice, I was sure of it. I slapped my face twice, to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I was wide awake, not like other times that I had seen and felt Jane in my dreams, I was awake.

I felt a sweet pain in my chest, as if my soul had left my body and travelled to meet Jane's soul, I could barely breath. It felt like hours passed, I was seized in a strange kind of trance where everything seemed ethereal. Then, a blow in my frame, like a wave that hit me, made me come back to my senses.

A smile formed on my lips, my pulse was accelerated, but the emptiness of the room, and a cold breeze that caressed me, made me calm down. That couldn't have been Jane. Look at where I am. Woods, tree after tree, hills… There is absolutely no possibility for her to have heard me, even if she was a couple of miles away.

 _Dear God… I must be losing my mind…. I mumbled._

I patted Pilot, he whined and rubbed his body in my leg, almost making me lose my balance.

I closed my eyes and clenched my fist, breathed the cold night air deeply and tried to evacuate every thought from my head. I needed to shut down my mind for a second before I would have a panic attack. It cost me a few minutes, but I accomplished it. I exhaled, and opened my eyes.

All I saw was a disfigured white haze that surely was the full moon, surrounded by pure darkness. The smell of the fresh air, the sound of Pilot panting, the touch of the hard wooden floor under my bare feet, it all felt too real, and I was confused whether Jane's voice was heard by somebody else or was just a shout inside my head. It felt real, more real than all the other illusions I had. I began fearing that the first step to descend into insanity was taken. I closed the window, walked to my bed slowly while a tear ran down my cheek.

I had suppressed tears for so long, I was sure once I would let them flow, I wouldn't be able to stop. But this time, it was too much. Loneliness, Jane's voice in my head answering to my desperate and insane summons, was too much to bear. I began to cry, threw myself in the bed and soon fell asleep on my pillow drenched in tears.


End file.
